


Potato Farming is a Wordly Pursuit, One of Grandeur and Gold

by SeaCollides



Series: SHSL Crackfic Spewing [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: (the good kind of stupid), Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Crack, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, Potato Farm AU, Potatoes, This Is STUPID, VERY Out of Character, Weird Plot Shit, and rantaro - the only self-aware character, but they only appear once, crackfic, hinata and komaeda are neighbors and they own a cattle ranch, i'm wondering how to include kirizono into this story, intentionally bad grammar but not too bad to the point of cringing (i think), it gets better as it progresses bear with me, it has barely any proper shipping, it's literally just shuichi starting a potato farm??, kiibo - the tag-along, kokichi - the schemer, no beta we die like men, shuichi - the ignorant, the title is literally a hidden pun ahaha, there's gods now, they'll show up again though, togami nearly dominates the potato futures market uh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaCollides/pseuds/SeaCollides
Summary: Shuichi was tired of being deceived and lied to. He couldn't believe it. He refused to believe it. Everything felt like a lie, a miserable and half-assed lie that still somehow managed to tick him off. Shuichi swallowed heavily and felt a fresh wave of tears roll down his face. He sobbed to himself,"Why are the potatoes suddenly so goddamn expensive?!"---Also known as the AU where Shuichi, Kokichi, Rantaro, Kiibo and a few other visiting characters from the other games start a potato farm. SaiOu and Amaiibo as the main pairings but I promise this monster has barely any proper shipping in it.I'm not even sorry anymore- this is just a huge fucking mess.(originally posted on Wattpad, titled as 'a series of crackhead events'. Usually updates on weekends!)[On Hiatus, Again]
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/K1-B0, Naegi Makoto/Togami Byakuya (background), Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Series: SHSL Crackfic Spewing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799986
Comments: 23
Kudos: 38





	1. Succi Starts a Potato Farm

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Ao3: I'm sorry. But it has to be done.
> 
> AU idea and inspo came from this absolutely godly PJO crack fic I read 2 years ago when I was in a tourist bus somewhere in Sichuan. I'm serious, if you like PJO, please read it: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9482031/1/Percy-Jackson-and-the-Potato-Farm
> 
> I don't know how to use this site so this might look a little weird. Wattpad is still my home, formatting-wise. The title is temporary until I think of a better one in the middle of my sleep. 
> 
> Also, get it? Grandeur and gold? Because potaoes are golden-brown?
> 
> ... yeah, I'll leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter One was written after a very pleasant post-shower haze, the rest of the story will be seemingly less crack-y because I have regained the forbidden power of common sense.
> 
> Since the version on Wattpad now has 50+ views... I have to fulfill my promise. Succi's Potato Paradise is now on ao3.

Shuichi Saihara inhaled the sweet sweet scent of his homemade potato pie. He reached into the oven without mitts because he has plot armor and brought out the pie while rejoicing to himself.

 _'Oh man, this pie is amazing,'_ he giddily thought as he slowly smelled the pie. It was so close to his nose he swore he almost became part of the pie itself. _'I think I fell in love with a pie. Kokichi is going to kill me.'_

Saihara shook his head. No, Kokichi would never leave him because of such a stupid reason! They've been together for 2 years. There's no way anything bad would happen to their relationship at this point. Besides, he was definitely not cheating!

Suddenly, the door to their super sexy and rich house opened. "Babe, I'm home!" Kokichi ree-d. Shuichi ree-ed back as a sign of dominance and t-posed to prove his point. Laughing, Kokichi folded himself downward like a Nagito sprite and re-appeared in the kitchen. A few microseconds later, Kokichi immediately screamed and cried. 

"Oh my god, are you cheating on me? On... on a potato pie?!" Kokichi screeched like a batshit insane girlfriend. Shuichi immediately threw the pie on the ground and cried as well. "NO! Babe, I will never cheat on you!" he argued. Kokichi immediately ceased to exist- wait no, ceased his crying. 

"Okay, I trust you! But... you threw the potato pie on the floor, now what do we eat for dinner?" Kokichi asked. Shuichi frowned. "Oh no. You're right, I did throw the potato pie on the floor... okay, whatever. I'll just go buy new potatoes." 

Kokichi shook his head like a pinwheel on cocaine. "No, you can't do that Shumai! You see, I passed by the potato stand near our home and saw that... that..."

"That what?" Shuichi fearfully asked. What was so scary? What could've happened that shook Kokichi to his core?

"Shuichi... it is with my utmost regret that I'm informing you of this but... the potato price increased by 0.99 cents."

Shuichi gasped so loudly an alternate universe where 16 students were stuck in a killing game woke up from their comas. "What the FUCK?!" he cried. Kokichi sobbed loudly and stomped his foot on the ground, "I know! Those idiots, increasing the price of potatoes by ninety-nine cents! What do they think we are, rich?" 

They were actually rich, but no one said anything about it.

They then proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor and cried together for nearly 69 minutes next to the body of their fallen comrade- the potato pie that our man Succi was totally not cheating on. 

After the sobfest, Shuichi stood up and brushed off the dust that got on his edgy MCR t-shirt that he was wearing. He hugged Kokichi because that's what boyfriends do. At least, he thinks that's what they do. 

"Listen here, I will find a way to conquer this problem of ours. Let's just eat the remains of the bird I shot down yesterday. It's still hanging in the backyard shed."

Kokichi also stood up and hugged Shuichi back. "Aww, that's so sweet of you! But won't we get rabies from eating the bird?"

Shuichi ruffled the purple bitch's hair. "Silly boy. Birds don't have rabies."

Kokichi, being the dumb little shit he was, didn't research the potential diseases you could get from eating wild birds, so they both roasted the wild bird, ate it, and got salmonella. They lived for about 2 minutes before someone decided to break into their house to rob them and killed them as a bonus. They both said, "Oopsie," before committing an incredibly sad and pathetic oofer.

...

...

...

'Pfft... ahahahaha! Just kidding!'

They did not eat the bird. They did not get salmonella and die. 

Instead, Shuichi said with absolute confidence, "Kokichi... I'm going to start a potato farm."

Kokichi gasped. Could it be? Was this man the second coming of Einstein or Confucius? "What a genius idea, Shumai! You're so smart!" Kokichi gushed. Shuichi rotated his arm 360 degrees and slapped himself on the back, which should be anatomically impossible, but the impossible is possible and all you gotta do is make it so. 

With that, the two of them shared a kiss in the kitchen. Shuichi slapped the fallen pie away to where Jin Kirigiri was currently residing and gained one monocoin, which he pocketed. The couple exited the kitchen and the house to get some WcDonalds, unaware of the fact that Stupid-head Saihara had left the oven on and now their super sexy and rich house was going to burn down.

Of course, it didn't burn down because it would be inconvenient to the plot. 

The robber who was planning to rob and murder the two of them broke into the now empty house and sniffed the air.

 _'What the h-e-double toothpicks?'_ they thought. _'Why do I smell smoke?'_

They quickly hurried to the kitchen because they were actually smart, unlike Succi and Cock.

"WHAT THE DONK?" the robber shouted. "HOLY CRINKLE DINKLES! THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE!"

The robber immediately got water and saved the house from turning into Celeste. 

The robber took nothing except for the weird bird hanging in their backyard shed as payment and decided to leave. 

They figured that this house probably contained some secretive anime plot magic and they'd better get out of it as soon as possible before they were forced to participate in some crazy bring-back-the-dead crap. The robber left, never to be written again.

It was probably the best move done in the following course of this entire series.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, you made it to the end of ch1! I promise it gets better-
> 
> If you have a keen eye/read the Wattpad version you'll notice that it's a little different... I'm aware the audience I'm dealing with on Ao3 is signficantly different compared to the one on Wattpad, so if you want to read this AU in its full unedited (it'll stay unedited) glory feel free to click the link down below. Think of it as a first draft of sorts.
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/229886112-a-series-of-crackhead-events-dr-crackfic-potato
> 
> Goodbye, fellow potatoes. May the starch gods be with you.


	2. The WcDonalds Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what?
> 
> I might as well post the rest while my class is playing kahoot.... 
> 
> I'm losing.

Kokichi and Shuichi arrived at WcDonalds. When they saw who was behind the counter, they nearly screamed in excitement.

"Oh my god Shuichi, it's Miami!"

"I think his name is Missouri."

"Oh."

They walked up to Rantaro.

"Hello Mississippi! Can we get two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda?" Kokichi asked.

Rantaro exhaled heavily. "Okay, but you'll have to pay. This WcDonalds is going to shut down any moment now because you're the only customers that we've ever had since 1987 and you never pay for your food."

Kokichi sighed and fished out his credit card. "You're unbelievable. Why do you even work at WcDonalds? You're loaded."

Rantaro was about to use his WcDonald cap to smack the gremlin until he cried and begged for mercy when a loud 'BANG' accompanied with a "KYAAA!" resonated throughout the WcKitchen.

"Was that the bite of '87?!" Shuichi yelped. Rantaro felt his stomach cringe in pain at the horrible Markiplier reference.

"Kiibo," Rantaro groaned, "what are you doing?"

Kiibo waddled out of the kitchen with thirteen WcNuggets welded to his arms. "I don't know! I was going to get the nuggets out of the freezer when my magical-girl upgrades activated and now they're stuck to me!"

Rantaro couldn't take it anymore. He threw down his cap. _'What? What is going on? Kiibo never talks like this. I don't talk like this. But I can't control myself. What is even happening?!'_

Kokichi laughed so hard his lungs flew out and Shuichi had to force them back in via. shoving them up his ass. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT KIIBOY CAN BE THIS PATHETIC!! LMAOOO!" he screeched like Ibuki.

Rantaro was getting more and more distressed. _'Did Kokichi just say 'lmao'? How on God's green Earth did he say that without sounding like a constipated vocaloid singer?'_

Rantaro shook his head. Whatever. Just go through with the order. Kokichi was paying for once, today must be a special day.

Soon, Kokichi and Shuichi got their orders and ate inside the establishment. Rantaro and Kiibo decided to close down the WcDonalds early, despite the fact it was a 40 hour WcDonalds thanks to their special sponsors- Ling Ling and Nord VPN.

The avocado and the robot sat down on the opposite side of Shuichi and Kokichi's table. It was silent for a moment until Shuichi suddenly piped up, "I'm going to open a potato farm."

Rantaro, who was sipping on some coke, spewed it all out from his mouth like a broken ice-cream machine finally working after twenty years. Luckily, the coke hit no one because it would be very inconvenient if any character got wet at the moment.

"What? Why would you do that?" Rantaro wheezed out, choking and hacking like a fish smoking weed.

Kiibo clapped his hands together. The WcNuggets attatched to his arms jiggled. "That's a great idea, Saihara. It'll definitely benefit us and the stock market!"

Rantaro continued his wheezing, "Kiibo, don't agree with them. And why the stock market? Do potatoes even _have_ stock markets?!"

Shuichi was about to answer when a portal appeared in the middle of the WcDonalds room.

"Oh shit, what the fuck?" Kokichi screamed, his voice higher and louder than a floorboard being stepped on at 3 AM.

A portal stepped out of the figure. It was... It was...

"Stonks man?! Is that you?" Shuichi fanboyed. Rantaro's eyes nearly popped out of it's sockets. Kiibo silently clapped his hands, the WcNuggets still jiggling.

"Yes, it is I, stonks man." Stonks man proclaimed. Shuichi squealed. "Oh my god, can I get your autograph? I'm a huge fan of yours-"

Stonks man grabbed a nearby sharpie, wrote 'stonks 📈' on a napkin and gave it to Shuichi. The detective was practically glowing in excitement.

Stonks man coughed loudly and clapped his hands twice to silence everyone. "I have heard that you wanted to start a potato farm," he said, straightening his business suit. "I will assist you in your journeys. Togami, your biggest rival, now controls the potato market."

Three loud gasps came from the three idiots in the room. The only self-aware character that couldn't believe anything he was hearing or seeing did nothing.

"Togami?! No wonder the prices increased by 0.99 cents! That despicable redditor! I'll crush him and his potato empire!" Shuichi promised, standing up from his seat to prove his point. Stonks man nodded in approval.

"I knew you had potential," Stonks man said. "I shall aid you in your quest. When the sun rises over the horizon, purchase a farm large enough to grow hundreds of potatoes. Every harvest, I will automatically pick the potatoes for you overnight and multiply the amount by two. Your potato business will flourish with my help."

Shuichi couldn't believe his ears. Rantaro couldn't either, but for a completely different reason.

"Is there a catch? There has to be a catch," Kokichi assumed, expecting some sort of huge 'law of equivalent exchange' speech.

Stonks man nodded. "All I demand of you is to plant some sweet potatoes. God I love sweet potatoes."

Shuichi enthusiastically nodded. "Of course we can plant sweet potatoes! They're also a kind of potato! We can sacrifice barn animals shaped like sweet potatoes for you if you want as well!"

For the record, sweet potatoes are not potatoes. And don't sacrifice barn animals shaped like sweet potatoes.

Stonks man shook Shuichi's hand in agreement. "We have a deal. Then, I shall now take my leave. Farewell, Shuichi Saihara of Danganronpa."

Shuichi frowned. "Huh? What's Dingle Dongpa?"

"Nothing," Stonks man quickly reassured, before bending time and reality to disappear back into the void.

When the four of them went home to sleep, Rantaro couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen after this.

_'For the better or for the worse, my life is going to change after this.'_

Unfortunately for Mississippi, his life will only head downwards in a never-ending spiral of potato-induced misery.


	3. It's F̸̨̌͑̎̆̚r̸̞̻̘̗͗̽͗̓ȅ̶̥͕̙̻͕͇̽̍̓͜͝͠e̴̡̤̹͊̈͒̌̆ͅ Real Estate

"Shumai, I think this is a scam."

"Come on, it can't be. Minnesota is a reliable guy."

"I thought his name was Montana?" 

"Like, Hannah Montana? As if he could share a legendary name with a legendary person. He's a Massachusetts at best."

"Oh."

Kokichi frowned at the real estate site in front of him. "Y'know, this looks awfully like that horrible Cool Math Games site. We shouldn't be looking for a farm here."

Shuichi stopped his mouse movement in disbelief. "Did you just fucking insult Cool Math Games?" he hissed, voice dangerously low. Kokichi's eyes widened. "Shumai, don't tell me you play that crap."

Shuichi stood up from his chair, his eyes burning with rage. "I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry, but our tastes are too different to be compatible."

Kokichi began sobbing. "Y-you're ending a 2 year relationship over... over fucking Cool Math Games?!" he bawled. "Shuichi, you're the worst!"

Shuichi was absolutely infuriated. "You have some balls to insult Cool Math Games, you horrible grape gremlin _bitch_. Begone, and leave from this now accursed room. Your vile prescene reeks and contaminates all that it touches, foul demon."

Somewhere, Gundham Tanaka snapped back into his body after a round of astral possession.

Kokichi screeched and ran to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. Shuichi heavily sat down before slowly coming to his senses. _'Did I just end a 2-year-long relationship over Cool Math Games?'_

Shuichi began crying to himself as well. Through tears, he continued to look through the real estate website that Michigan sent him. He perked up but continued his endless sniffling when he saw a very good deal.

_'$500,000? That's like, unbelievably cheap. They even have a decently-sized farmland and a very pretty house.'_

He clicked on the ad and nearly choked on his own tears that had somehow gathered into his mouth.

_'Hey so, this farm used to be owned by me, but my boyfriend offered me a high-ranking position in his company so I think I'll have to sell it. Feel free to contact me or my boyfriend if you're interested in buying the farm! I'll leave our emails and numbers below. -Makoto Naegi'_

Shuichi was about to WcFreaking lose it.

 _'Wouldn't we be cooperating with our rival if we bought this land?!'_ he screamed in his mind. _'But all the other farms are so damn expensive. What the fuck, is this some sort of scheme to take our potato nation down?'_

Shuichi folded his hands together in worry. "I think I'll ask Kokichi about this," he mumbled to himself. He was about to go and find the purple-haired man when Shuichi suddenly remembered that he broke up with him only five minutes ago. Shuichi sank back into his chair and continued crying. He got so tired of crying that he fell asleep not long after and woke up the next day still worrying over the fact whether he should buy the plot of land or not.

It was about 11 AM in the morning and Shuichi was still sitting on the chair, staring at the screen. 10 minutes later, he decided he should get a second opinion.

_Brrrr. Brrrr. Brrrr._

"Amami's Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em. How may I help you?"

"This is Shuichi speaking..."

"Ah. Did you kill Kokichi? I can come over and collect the body."

"No, of course not! Why would you think that?"

"You called my work number."

"Oh. Uh, give me a moment."

Shuichi hung up. He quickly dialed a different number.

_Brrrr. Brrrr. Brrrr._

"What's cracking-WcLacking, this is your boi Ranta-bro speaking. I got what you need- the good weed. Name please?"

"Huh?"

"Dude, how did you even get my drug dealing number?"

"WHAT?!"

"Shit, wait a sec."

Rantaro hung up. Shuichi dialed a different number once more.

_Brrrr. Brrrr. Brrrr._

"Rantaro Amami here, can I help you?"

"This has to be the correct number."

"It's actually the number I use for collecting debts, but it's close enough."

"Minnesota, what's with all these odd jobs you've got?!"

"Good question. What did you need to find me for?"

"I was originally going to ask you about buying a farm, but now I really want to know why you own so many different phone numbers."

"Well, I own a morgue, a loan service and a garden of your everyday weed. A few extra phones to organize each job wouldn't hurt. I also work at WcDonalds for fun since I'm technically the branch manager for that empty dump, and quitting would be a shame since it's such a quiet place to chill at." 

"Wow. I can't believe you sell weed. Why didn't you tell us?! We could've been smoking pot together at WcDonalds this whole time."

"See, this is why I never tell my friends. You think it's easy to mantain a good rep around here? I'm not giving away my good-quality stuff for free. Money first, then I'll consider smoking pot with you at WcDonalds."

"Kiibo's getting weed for free."

"I'm dating him, that's different. And Kiibo doesn't even smoke, I get a specially manufactured USB made by Miu in exchange for some of my finer works, plug it in him and he gets high for about a few hours or so."

"Must be great to live as a robot."

"I know, right? Anyway, what was that about the farm?"

"Gimme a sec to send you the link."

Shuichi copied the browser link and smacked that baby over to Missouri's house.

"Dude, how does that even work?" Rantaro asked, holding the webpage in his arms.

"Don't question it, you've got the link." Shuichi flatly replied. 

Rantaro opened his web browser and viewed the farm. "Are you sure this isn't a scam, Saihara?" he questioned. "It's too cheap to be true."

"You're the one that introduced me to this website!"

"It was recommended by a shady client I've dealt with in the past!"

"You failed to mention that earlier, you low-rate Mississipiece of shit!"

"Wow, I felt that insult on another level. Well done, Cuckhara, well done."

"Now you're just asking for it."

After nearly over three hours of back-and-forth arguing, Shuichi decided to buy the farm. He also went to find Kokichi and made up with him and to his delight, found Kokichi now addicted to playing Cool Math Games. They fucked passionately that night with Papa's Pizzeria running in the background.

_Meanwhile, somewhere in the Togami Corporation Building..._

"Byakuya... I still don't understand why I'm suddenly the manager of the Potato Branch," a person shrouded in the shadows of a really tall potato statue muttered to the other.

"You'll see soon. Our opponents have fallen into our trap, they will be annihilated by my forces soon. You will be the one to rise to the top, Makoto." 

"Sure...? Love you too."

"..."

"... as do I." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was posted on Wattpad during Oumas birthday... Happy womb ejection day, grape fanta mascot.


	4. Moving With Fat Nuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: title dedicated to and provided by a friend. theres no actual fat nuts involved I swear it's just the name of the moving company

The only self-aware character and his circle of idiots were currently gathered at the WcDonalds table where said self-aware character had previously spewed out all his coke.

It was comfortably quiet, the soft sound of the restaurant's music calming the atmosphere down. Rantaro even made sure not to drink anything this time to avoid another spillage in case of another round of shocking news had to be broken.

Unfortunately, the perfectly peaceful atmosphere was decimated soon enough by the one and only Shuichi Saihara.

"Guess what?" he suddenly said, putting his cup full of Sprite down. Eyes shining, Shuichi reached out excitedly and clasped Rantaro's hands. "Miami, remember the farm? We own it now!"

Rantaro sighed wearily but still smiled a little, just for Shuichi's sake. "Good for you, Saihara. I hope you'll find enlightenment and spiritual awakening through your farming journey."

Shuichi frowned, confusion flashing across his features. "Huh? You sound as if you're saying goodbye."

Rantaro raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you and Ouma leaving the area for the farm? Obviously, I won't be seeing you anytime soon."

Shuichi crossed his arms defiantly. "Malapurram, you're coming with us."

Rantaro's face blanched in shock. "What?"

Kokichi cackled, "You thought you'd be staying here? Sorry, but if it means we have to kidnap Kiiboy to force you to come with us, we'll do it!"

"HUH? Ouma, I have a built-in alarm system that'll go off and immediately annihilate you and your home if you ever kidnap me. Don't you dare try it!" Kiibo warned. Kokichi laughed violently in response, nearly causing the WcDonalds to collapse like a flimsy stage prop bought on eBay.

Rantaro tried to reason his way out of his current predicament. "Guys, I have jobs to manage, including this miserable WcDonalds-"

"Kaede said she's willing to run this WcDonalds for you!" Shuichi cheerfully interjected. Rantaro nearly slapped a bitch dead. Which bitch, it depends on you.

"She WHAT?" the avocado incarnate yelled. "Isn't she a professional piano player?"

"Exactly! Now people can enjoy WcDonalds and listen to What's New Pussycat on the piano every second, 40 hours per day!" Shuichi replied. 

"But if she's playing the piano, someone has to manage the kitchen and the customers, right?" Rantaro reminded desperately, hoping for anything than to join Shuichi on his farming escapade.

"Eh, Kirumi and Miu said that they'll take care of the WcKitchen and the WcWC." Kokichi piped up. Rantaro made a sound similar to a toad ingesting breast milk for the first time.

"The WcWhat now?" he squeaked.

"The toilets," Kokichi answered, arms behind his head.

"Uh... got it, but that's not important right now," Rantaro said as he closed his eyes and folded his hands together.

"You're telling me, Kaede, a world-renowned piano player, Miu, one of the smartest inventors to grace this land and Kirumi, the literal _president_ of the kawaii nation of Japan is... is going to work at a _WcDONALDS?!_ " he shrieked before standing up, pounding his hands onto the table so hard that it nearly released all the juices it sucked in over the decades.

"Yes!" out of nowhere, a female voice cut in, coming from the entrance of the establishment. Everyone whipped their heads around to stare at the intruder.

"Kaede! It's great to see you," Shuichi said, running up to hug the pianist. Kaede grinned widely and hugged the navy-haired man back. 

_'This has to be entirely staged. There's no way Kaede happened to be close by enough that she has the time to casually drop in and say hi.'_ Rantaro painfully thought to himself, massaging in between his eyebrows.

After the embrace, Kaede clapped her hands and announced, "Well then! We three are definitely going to restore this wonderful WcDonalds back to its former glory! We promise your previous efforts won't be in vain, Mandaluyong!"

Rantaro refused to acknowledge the scene unfolding in front of him. First, Shuichi bought a potato farm. Then, Kokichi got addicted to Cool Math Games and poor Kiibo still has 13 WcNuggets welded to his robotic arms. But now, the worst situation of all, the final nail in the coffin- three world-famous people were going to run a WcDonalds. A WcDonalds, where the only income it has ever made was from literally two days ago.

Rantaro sat down again just to slam his head against the table, causing everyone to shut up.

"Mezhdurechensk, are you okay?" Kaede worriedly asked, laying a hand on his back.

Rantaro screamed a quintillion screams. Of course, he screamed it in his head, but if even one scream finds its way out of his mouth, the WcDonalds would definitely collapse under the force of over three hundred decibels of ceaseless suffering echoing throughout Rantaro's mind.

After his existential breakdown featuring disbelief and inward screeching, Rantaro suddenly felt at ease. His body relaxed. His brain slowed down.

Rantaro raised his head and smiled softly at Kaede, patting the hand that was still resting on his back.

"I'm great, Kaede! And you know what? I accept my position as a potato farmer. I'll transfer ownership of the morgue to Kiyo and the loan service to Ryoma. I'll join Saihara on his joyous adventure of potato farming!"

Kaede laughed and hugged Rantaro. "That's great! I promise to take care of this place. It must mean a lot to you."

 _'It does, considering I earn so much more from other posts. I can't believe I've never quit this useless WcJob despite earning a daily income of a fantastically large amount of 0 dollars here,'_ Rantaro silently grieved.

Everyone soon wrapped up the meet-up and went to do their own stuff.

Still in his drug-like state of pure acceptance, Rantaro transferred his job ownerships to Kiyo and Ryoma, stuffed his important items into his luggage, carefully packed up his special plants, and listed his apartment up for rent. He called his family and updated them about his new career, which they marked off as a midlife crisis. Rantaro had to remind himself that it was definitely not _his_ midlife crisis. It was Shuichi's, and he was just tagging along.

After taking care of everything important, Rantaro began sending all his stuff to the farm. It took a week to arrange and set-up everything according to plan but the results were successful. Kiibo, Rantaro, Shuichi, and Kokichi now had their own individual rooms in a beautiful farming countryside with a small side garden to grow tons and tons of weed.

It was only a week after Rantaro had officially moved into the farm all thanks to the ever-reliable Fat Nuts Moving Industries when he snapped out of his blissfully ignorant haze.

At two in the morning while everyone was asleep, a certain green-haired man screamed once more, this time with the sincerity of a gamer arranging their funeral after losing to Bloodbath on Geometry Dash at 99.9%.

"What the _FUCK?!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next crackfic i'll definitely make: kirumi, miu and kaede's mishaps at WcDonalds
> 
> EDIT: it has been done. ch1 of the WcDonalds mishaps between kaedead, mew and kiroomba is up and running: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24922075/chapters/60312175


	5. Rain Isn't Useful, Change Shuichi's Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry for the unannounced hiatus! I had to deal with finals and schoolwork. It's all good now though, I have time to write due to the gov. shutting down schools due to covid rearing its ugly ass once more and now there's a second wave. I also joined an Undertale fanproject so updates might be slower because I have to hand in art in time. I don't plan on dropping this fic anytime soon though, so don't worry!
> 
> Also I'm seriously addicted to a music artist named Bonus Points... their music is one of the best to write/draw to, here's a link to their channel if anyone's interested: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkfhtJPU0ZfgJW6u3ztwpwQ

It was raining.

Shuichi stared at the gray expanse of clouds pouring gallons and gallons of liquid onto his farmland.

"If only rain was actually useful," he sighed, eyeing the trickles that raced down the glass window in front of him.

The rain stopped for a moment in anger. Shuichi creased his eyebrows. 

"Excuse me? I help water your crops," the rain suddenly rumbled. Lightning crackled and thunder boomed, tempoarily revealing a cloaked figure with a huge cloud beard. The navy-haired man turned a blind eye, pretending he never saw anything out of the ordinary. Nothing was going on. Nothing was happening. 

"Hello? Potato farmer, can you hear me?" the figure asked with an extremely loud voice. 

In hopes of driving the rain god away, Shuichi deadpanned, "No, I can't." 

"Sorry, let me try again..."

The rain stopped. The sound of a mic being tweaked resonated throughout the entire sky for a few moments. Seconds after, the rain continued pouring again.

"Surely it should work now... can YOUUUUUU-"

"Your mic's weird! Fix it before speaking to me!" Shuichi complained, still trying to shoo the god away. 

"It is? It seems to be fine for MEEEEE-"

"It is not! Maybe for you, but definitely not for us!"

A really loud screech shot through the sky. The rain froze like a YouTube video on load, the water droplets pausing in mid-air, waiting to fall onto the ground. Shuichi marveled the sight in disbelief. 

More mic tuning noises. The potato farmer covered his ears in misery.

"Is-" _SCREECH_ "-working?"

"NO!" Shuichi yelled into the sky. The tuning stopped. The rain immediately resumed its downpour.

After a blissful moment of silence, the sound of a mic being tapped thundered acrosss the sky. 

"Testing, one two three, testing... can Mr. Potato Farmer hear me now?"

"What do you _want?!_ "

The rain god coughed. "You see Mr. Saihara, you've captured the attention of many gods. They are all betting on how long your potato business will last."

"Metaphorical gods or literal gods?" Shuichi asked.

"Do I look metaphorical to you?" the rain god flatly replied.

"Fair." 

The deity continued, "Anyway! Naturally, the money god despises you. He favours Togami, the reddit man. I, on the other hand, would love to provide assitance to help you to-"

Shuichi interjected, "No thanks. We already have Stonks Man to help. Go, uh, sponsor someone else! And did the genre of this novel just change? Someone change it back!"

The rain god sighed. "At least let me offer my deal?"

"Are you deaf as you are thick? Just... drop off whatever you want and go. No weird... _things_ except for Stonks Man are allowed here."

Before the god could reply, Kokichi skipped up to Shuichi and booped him on the nose. "Wow," he cheerfully said, "Saihara-chan is being awfully salty today!"

Saihara grunted. "I just don't want to change the genre of this-"

" _Stop_ breaking the fourth wall!" the purple-haired man seethed, slapping his hands over the Shuichi's mouth so fast that he nearly dislocated his jaw. 

Kokichi looked out the window and yelled, "You heard the man, drop off your package and shoo! We don't need any more gods interfering with our storyline!" 

The rain god sighed. "Fine. You're all no fun."

The god disappeared. The rain stopped, parting the gray clouds, revealing the bright and blazing sun. Where the god had floated moments ago was a remarkably impressive amount of absolutely nothing. 

Shuichi, frankly, was disappointed. The duo left the window and walked away to tell Kiibo and Rantaro about the strange exchange they had.   
  


* * *

_  
Somewhere at the back of Shuichi's Potato Farm...  
  
_

A loud gurgle morphed into a ear-splitting shriek as a huge, goopy hand broke free from the constraints of the soil, a huge puddle pooling from where it rose. 

The liquid-based sludge pile gurgled and sloshed around, trying to find a place to hide from the unbearable heat of the sun. It crawled and slimed its way towards the only shade it could see- a strange, white house with multiple levels and a dark-blue roof overseeing a large crop of tilled land. 

The sludge relaxed once it neared the shadow of the house. It curiously perked up when it saw a large hole behind the building, big enough to become a garden pond. The sludge pile sloshed its way over and plopped into the hole, purring happily as it morphed itself back into normal liquid.  
  


* * *

  
"What the hell?"

Rantaro, holding a fresh mug of coffee, curiously stared at the new pond that had suddenly appeared up out of nowhere behind the house. 

He peered at it and walked a full circle around the crystal-clear body of water. Somehow, there were a few baby koi fish swimming inside. It even had beautiful shrubbery around the edges and lilypads floating on top of the water.

Rantaro inched closer towards the pond. His reflection stared back at him. 

Suddenly, his reflection rippled and moved. Rantaro screamed as reflection him- Reflectaro- calmly used his own mug of coffee and mimicked pouring the coffee into the pool.

Rantaro stopped backing away from the pond and lifted his mug questionably. Reflectaro nodded and demonstrated pouring the mug into the pool again. Reflectaro's actions were slow and concise, implying that Rantaro had to be careful in pouring the coffee.

Of course, instead of following his reflection's advice, Rantaro dunked his entire coffee mug into the water, contents and all. The cloud of brown liquid immediately dispersed, the koi fish unaffected. The mug sank to the bottom and hit the pebbled ground with a dull thud.

Rantaro hurriedly left the pond. The next day, out of curiousity, he decided to pay another visit to the body of water. To his shock and mild horror, the same coffee mug he had dropped into the pond was neatly placed at the edge of the pool, almost inviting Rantaro to fill it with coffee once more. 

Rantaro obliged. He went and made some coffee, grabbed the glass jar and poured the steaming hot liquid into the mug. 

Rantaro watched, amazed, as the mug slowly began tilting, finally falling over and spilling all the coffee into the pool. Once again, the brown cloud immediately disappeared, the koi fish still unaffected. 

Rantaro gingerly lifted the mug back up and placed it back to its original position. 

From that day on, every morning, Rantaro made sure to make coffee for two people instead of one.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to give me ideas... I need em.


End file.
